Sacrifice vs. Compromise

I was speaking with a friend of mine recently and as she routinely did over the last couple years, she began to express all of the drama in her relationship. No stranger to the reoccurring issues and complaints surrounding her relationship, I finally asked her one simple question, “why do you stay in this relationship if you are not happy?’ What I thought was a simple question, which I hoped would warrant a direct response, turned into an hour of excuses. I most certainly can understand that relationships are tough and sometimes there is not a simple answer but, she changed her answer so much I was almost convinced that she truly could not answer the question. She went from telling me she stayed in the relationship because “she was not getting any younger,” to “we recently moved in together and both have a kid and the breakup would be difficult for the children to handle.” After sifting through several more of her excuses, and asking a couple of probing questions, together we arrived at the TRUTH, “I stay because I am afraid.” She was afraid that although she had issues with her man, she would not find anyone who had all of the good qualities that he possessed. She was afraid, due impart to what she had been exposed to in her occupation in the medical field, that she would put herself at risk if she decided to wait to have more children in her later years. The biggest thing she was afraid of brought tears to her eyes; she was afraid of having to deal with the pain of letting go, moving on, and healing. The common denominator that many people can relate to is that nobody wants nor looks forward to having a broken heart. We also do not enjoy the process of having to heal. Although we can look back once we have come out on the other side of the process with growth, when we are in the trenches going through and experiencing the misery and pain, often we can not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I believe that everyone can relate to the fear of change. It’s the idea that you have to do something or go somewhere that is out of the “norm” for you and in some cases, albeit known or unknown, the outcome of the change prohibits us from feeling comfortable and willing to embrace it. I am an avid traveler who is not keen on having to fly. Although I do it frequently, I sometimes feel a sense of uneasiness when I fly. I refuse to allow the fear or flying to prohibit me from indulging in the happiness and pleasure that traveling provides me with. Being a woman of faith, I explained to my friend that “GOD does not give us the spirit of fear.” My question to her was “how much of this fear that you are burdened with will you allow to control and dictate your happiness?”

There were so many layers to the conversation we shared. We both laid out the “terms and conditions” of what we expected in our relationships and the “deal breakers” that would cause us to end this contract. It was evident that our views were very different. She seemed to believe that it was unrealistic to 1) Expect that a man could be in a relationship and NEVER cheat 2) She could find someone who satisfied her on all levels 3) She could still desire marriage and more children while being single, without feeling she was untrue to her desires. As a result of our own personal experiences, I discovered that in this situation, I was the optimist and she the pessimist.

At one point she asked me, “so what if you turn 70 years old and you never got married or had kids, do you think you would really be happy?” She explained to me that although she may have to endure unhappiness (for the most part) in her relationship, she felt that she would be much happier at 70 years old with someone then to be alone. I answered he question explaining that there was no difference in both of our desires to be married and have kids. Infact, the only difference was that I did not want the relationship at the expense of my own happiness.

This very candid and uninhibited conversation provoked thought and more importantly, it reaffirmed my belief that in order to be in a relationship, I should NOT have to compromise my own happiness. I believe that every relationship takes hard work and patience; that there will be sacrifices that are made in order for two individuals to come together as one unit. There is however, a difference between making sacrifices and compromises. Depending on which interpretation you agree with or version dictionary you use, Sacrifice vs. Compromise may be similar, closely related, and in some cases acceptable to do but, they are NOT the same thing. The word com-PROMISE is your word; it is a promise or vowel that you make to yourself based on your own morals, believes, and values. Everyone has probably heard the saying that “you are only as good as your word.” This means that there is great pride and honor in keeping the sacred oath that one renders. When I think about the things that I AM willing to forgo, I relate that to making a sacrifice. A sacrifice is giving up something for the GREATER good that will follow. It is just hard for me to believe that breaking an important promise to myself, my word, is what I should be expected to do in order to maintain a relationship. I would be giving up the very essence of what makes me who I am in order to accommodate someone else’s version of what they want me to be.

I believe that life is short and when you CHOOSE to live it without including pursuing happiness as one of your objectives, before you know it, you may wake up one morning only to realize that you have spent so much of your life compromising who you are and letting life pass you by. My life experiences and observations have showed me that one of the key factors in discovering true happiness in your relationships is that you must build your foundation with a mutual respect and common values. Above all, you must remember that before you can give of yourself to someone, you must ensure that your own happiness and morals will not be compromised.